Controlling_Behavior_ListpdfAdapted_from_EMERGE_Boston

Controlling Behavior List.pdf

(Adapted from EMERGE, Boston, Massachusetts)

VIOLENT AND CONTROLLING BEHAVIORS LIST

Instructions: Use this checklist to inventory your behaviors. The more honest you are with yourself the more beneficial this exercise will be. Think back throughout your relationships. Which of these behaviors have you used? Circle all that apply and note the pattern that you created. What do you think the impact of this pattern of abuse has been on your partner or past partners? If you would like to enroll in a MSV class or talk with a facilitator more about your behavior, please call 404-270-9894 x24.

Psychological and Economic Abuse

 Yelling, swearing, being lewd, raising your voice, using angry expressions or gestures.  Criticism (name-calling, swearing, mocking, put-downs, ridicule, accusations, blaming, use of

trivializing words or gestures).  Pressure tactics (rushing her to make decisions, using guilt or accusations, sulking, threatening to

withhold financial support, manipulating children, abusing feelings).  Interrupting, changing topics, not listening, not responding, twisting her words.  Economic coercion (withholding money, the car or other resources; sabotaging her attempts to

work).  Claiming “the truth,” being the authority, defining her behavior, using “logic.”  Lying, withholding information, infidelity (having sex with others).  Using pornography.  Withholding help on childcare/housework (not doing your share or following through on your

agreements).  Emotional withholding (not expressing feelings, not giving support, validation, attention,

compliments, respect for her feelings, rights and opinions).  Not taking care of yourself (not asking for help or support from friends, abusing drugs or

alcohol, being a “people pleaser”).  Other forms of abuse (please list below).

o ___________________________________________________________________

Physical violence

 Slap, punch, grab, kick, choke, push, restrain, pull hair, pinch, bite.  Rape (use of force and/or threats to get sex).  Use of weapons, throwing things, keeping weapons around that scare her.  Abuse of furniture, things in the home, pets, destroying her things.  Intimidation (standing in the doorway during arguments, angry or threatening gestures, use of

size to intimidate, standing over her, out-shouting, driving recklessly).  Uninvited touching.  Threats (verbal or nonverbal, direct or indirect).  Harassment (unwanted visits or calls, following her around, “checking up” on her, embarrassing

her in public, not leaving when asked).  Isolation (preventing or making it hard for her to see/talk to friends, relatives, others).

Creator.pdf

MENDING THE SACRED HOOP

202 W. 2nd Street Duluth, Minnesota 55802

888-305-1650 www.mshoop.org

Equality.pdf

DOMESTIC ABUSE INTERVENTION PROGRAMS

202 East Superior Street Duluth, Minnesota 55802

218-722-2781 www.theduluthmodel.org

Equity-and-Accountability-Thorne-Harbour-Health.pdf

EQUITY & ACCOUNTABILITY WHEEL W AY S T O I N C R E A S E S A F E T Y W H I L E G AY M E N

ATTEND AN LGBTI BEHAVIOUR CHANGE PROGRAM

NEGOTIATION & FAIRNESS

accepting to change, willing to compromise on relationship & family needs

• he shows me that he seeks to find mutually satisfying resolutions to conflicts • he consults with

me on any changes to our non-monogamous or polyamorous agreements • all relevant information on

safety and risk is communicated to me by services • making financial decisions together • making sure we can both benefit from financial arrangements • polyamorous & casual partners being consulted & supported on decisions that affect them

BEHAVIOUR CHANGE PROGRAM

FACILITATORS

holds him fully accountable for his abuse towards me • challlenge his attempts to minimise, blame, or justify his abuse • facilitators to know enough about

victim/survivor experiences to advocate for me appropriately • provide follow-up when program has

been completed to ensure long term behaviour change is being achieved • being clear to him

that the behaviour change program is primarily about my safety • reminding him

that the group is not about his experience of homophobic, biphobic

or transphobic abuse • program workers are trained in LGBTI

inclusive practices •

RESPONSIBLE PARENTING

sharing parental responsibilities, even if he does not see the children (child support payments) • being a positive role model for the children • understanding the long term impact of his violence on the children • attending a ‘safe fathering’ program after the behaviour change intervention • understanding & supporting the fact that he may lose access to children or require supervised access • does not expect to re-establish an immediate & safe bond with the children because he is in the behaviour change program • supporting & nurturing the needs of family pets

RESPECTING MY EXPERIENCE

he understands that I may feel unsafe at times • he respects my

privacy when talking to professionals, police and the courts about his violence

• he listens to me non-judgementally • he values & affirms my opinions about the abuse • he respects my wishes & boundaries about sexual &

physical contact • he goes at my pace with recovering from the abuse • he doesn’t use his remorse, guilt or shame to expect

me to forgive him • he understands that his violence cannot be removed from my memory •

PARTNER ADVOCATE SUPPORT

regular & ongoing appointments to discuss safety planning • advocates are not expecting me to leave the relationship • providing me with information about any risk of violence • I am given the option to nominate a support person to participate in the partner advocate service so that we have a common language (safety planning information, family violence definitions, options with accessing interven- tion orders) • behaviour change program communicates with me regarding his attendance or non-attendance

HONESTY & ACCOUNTABILITY

he accepts full responsibility for his abuse • he communicates openly & truthfully about his use of violence • he is clear about the purpose & expecta- tions of the behaviour change program • facilitators of behaviour change programs always centre victims/survivor experiences & focus on impact of violence, not intent • he attends every session & actively participates

NON-THREATENING BEHAVIOUR

he is talking and acting in ways that makes me feel safe and comfortable to

express myself openly & freely • I can express my anger towards him without being

punished for it • he accepts and understands the need for the intervention order • he is complying

with the intervention order conditions • he is addressing additional risk factors such as his drug &

alcohol use • openly discussing sexual fantasies, fetishes with

consent & safe-words • he is aware of my privacy needs regarding HIV status,

relationship agreements with sexual & other intimate partners •

TRUST & SUPPORT

he supports my goals in the relationship & in life • he supports & validates my feelings •

he encourages my relationships with family & friends • he supports my involvement in LGBTI community events(eg:

Pride March) • he trusts my judgement about who I am ‘out’ to & to what degree • he shares information about his participation in the men’s behaviour change group

when I ask him • I can rely on him to share my experience of his abuse in the group respectful-

ly in my absence • I can talk about the impact of his violence without him

getting defensive or justifying •

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EQUITY &

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D E V E L O P E D B Y A N T H O N Y L E K K A S

T H O R N E H A R B O U R H E A L T H L G B T I F A M I L Y V I O L E N C E P R O G R A M

A D A P T E D W I T H P E R M I S S I O N F R O M

DULUTH’S DOMESTIC ABUSE INTERVENTION PROGRAMS’ POWER & CONTROL WHEELS

https://clicktime.symantec.com/35aDffmZ4eeGXkhrJaMoaKx7Vc?u=www.theduluthmodel.org

Nurturing-Children.pdf

DOMESTIC ABUSE INTERVENTION PROGRAMS

202 East Superior Street Duluth, Minnesota 55802

218-722-2781 www.theduluthmodel.org

Poster_CultureWheel.pdf

DOMESTIC ABUSE INTERVENTION PROGRAMS

202 East Superior Street Duluth, Minnesota 55802

218-722-2781 www.theduluthmodel.org

Power-and-Control-Thorne-Harbour-Health.pdf

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USING ECONOMIC

ABUSE

preventing you from keeping or getting a job • making you ask for

money • interfering with work or education • using your credit cards without permission •

not working and requiring you to provide support • keeping your name off joint assets • making you pay

for his attendance at behaviour change program • borrowing money from you and not paying it back • selling

your assets without your knowledge • forging signatures to have access to your funds • making you dependent on his income • routinely checking and criticising your expenditure • unfounded litigation to incur legal costs • having to pay rent and bond to relocate to avoid further abuse

USING SEXUAL COERCION

using dating apps (eg: Grindr) to interrogate people you are chatting to or hooking-up with •

using dating apps to monitor your movements and whereabouts • breaching relationship/sexual

agreements (eg: condomless sex) • lying about your STI/HIV status • not sharing updated information on

STI/HIV status • creating fake profiles on dating apps to ‘test’ your sexual fidelity • making

‘slut-shaming’ comments towards you • avoiding discussions on boundaries and/or

updating non-monogamous agreements • pressuring you to have condomless

sex • non-consentual sexual roleplay • stealthing • sharing information about your sexual

preferences and fetishes to humiliate and shame

you

USING PRIVILEDGE

making all the big decisions • treating you like a servant • being the one to define each partner’s role and duties in the relationship • using “passing” as straight or cisgendered to discredit you or put you in danger • he uses his status in the LGBTI community to diminish yours • providing misleading information about non-monogamy or polyamorous relationships that benefits him • misusing his leadership in the LGBTI community to gain other people’s favour • threatening to

withdraw visa support

USING EMOTIONAL

ABUSE

putting you down • making you feel bad about yourself •

calling you names • playing mind games • making you feel guilty • humiliating you •

• questioning you if you are a “real” man or “real” masc etc • reinforcing internalised homophobia,

biphobia or transphobia • using his experiences of discrimination in order for you to feel sorry for him • using

apologies to put the focus on how bad he feels • pleading with you not to share information about his abuse with behaviour change

program • telling you how hard he is trying to change in order for you to stay • challenging you to change your behaviour • saying that you should

do the behaviour change program as well • saying you are being triggered by your past trauma and not his violence

USING INTIMIDATION, COERCION & THREATS

making you afraid using looks, gestures, actions • smashing things • abusing pets/threatening to do so • displaying weapons • saying or doing things that reinforce homophobic, biphobic or transphobic control • threatening to leave or suicide • threatening to harm others who are important to you • pressuring you to go to counselling • making decisions for you regarding your gender expression or how ‘out’ to be

DENYING, MINIMIZING & BLAMING

making light of the abuse saying it didn’t happen or won’t happen again • saying ‘it’s your fault’ • saying it’s just fighting between two men • saying “you pushed my buttons” • blaming you for him being in a behaviour change program • saying it was the alcohol or drugs • making his abuse sound mutual or less than it really was when talking about it the behaviour change group • spending the majority of time in group talking about you and not his violence • talking about his abuse as if it’s a relationship issue • saying that the violence is mutual • withholding information from facilitators • telling you that his violence is not as bad as others in the group

USING CHILDREN

making you feel guilty about the children • using

children to relay messages • threatening to take the children •

threatening to tell your ex-spouse or authorities that you are gay,

bisexual or trans so they will take the children away • using his biological status

as a parent against you • blocking you out of family planning decision-making processes ie:

IVF, surrogacy, sperm donation • threatening to out your gender identity to your children

without your consent

USING ISOLATION

controlling what you do, who you see or talk to • limiting your outside activities • using jealousy to control you • questioning you about your

wherabouts • saying no one will believe you or take you seriously because of your sexuality or gender identity • making it difficult

for you to have friends or family over by acting ‘moody’ • questioning other people in your life about you • pressuring you to stop going to LGBTI events •

negatve criticism about you to other partners in non-monogamous or polyamorous

relationships

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POWER &

CONTROL

POWER & CONTROL WHEEL TA C T I C S U S E D B Y G AY M E N W H O AT T E N D E D A N

L G B T I M E N ’ S B E H A V I O U R C H A N G E P R O G R A M

D E V E L O P E D B Y A N T H O N Y L E K K A S

T H O R N E H A R B O U R H E A L T H L G B T I F A M I L Y V I O L E N C E P R O G R A M

A D A P T E D W I T H P E R M I S S I O N F R O M

DULUTH’S DOMESTIC ABUSE INTERVENTION PROGRAMS’ POWER & CONTROL WHEELS

https://clicktime.symantec.com/35aDffmZ4eeGXkhrJaMoaKx7Vc?u=www.theduluthmodel.org

PowerControlwheelNOSHADING.pdf

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POWER AND CONTROL WHEELPOWER AND CONTROL WHEEL

POWER AND

CONTROL

COERCION AND THREATS: Making and/or carry- ing out threats to do something to hurt her. Threatening to leave her, commit suicide, or report her to welfare. Making her drop charges. Making her do illegal things.

INTIMIDATION: Making her afraid by using looks, actions, and gestures. Smashing things. Destroying her property. Abusing pets. Displaying weapons.

MALE PRIVILEGE: Treating her like a servant: making all the big decisions, acting like the “master of the castle,” being the one to define men’s and women’s roles.

ECONOMIC ABUSE: Preventing her from getting or keeping a job. Making her ask for money. Giving her an allowance. Taking her money. Not letting her know about or have access to family income.

USING CHILDREN: Making her feel guilty about the children. Using the children to relay messages. Using visitation to harass her. Threatening to take the children away.

MINIMIZING, DENYING, AND BLAMING: Making light of the abuse and not taking her concerns about it seriously. Saying the abuse didn’t happen. Shifting responsibility for abusive behavior. Saying she caused it.

ISOLATION: Controlling what she does, who she sees and talks to, what she reads, and where she goes. Limiting her outside involvement. Using jealousy to justify actions.

EMOTIONAL ABUSE: Putting her down. Making her feel bad about herself. Calling her names. Making her think she’s crazy. Playing mind games. Humiliating her. Making her feel guilty.

Produced and distributed by: 4612 Shoal Creek Blvd. • Austin, Texas 78756512.407.9020 (phone and fax) • www.ncdsv.org

physical VIOLENCE s

exu al

Physical and sexual assaults, or threats to commit them, are the most apparent forms of domestic violence and are usually the actions that allow others to become aware of the problem. However, regular use of other abusive behaviors by the batterer, when reinforced by one or more acts of physical violence, make up a larger system of abuse. Although physical as- saults may occur only once or occasionally, they instill threat of future violent attacks and allow the abuser to take control of the woman’s life and circumstances.

The Power & Control diagram is a particularly helpful tool in understanding the overall pattern of abusive and violent be-haviors, which are used by a batterer to establish and maintain control over his partner. Very often, one or more violent incidents are accompanied by an array of these other types of abuse. They are less easily identified, yet firmly establish a pat- tern of intimidation and control in the relationship.

Developed by: Domestic Abuse Intervention Project 202 East Superior Street Duluth, MN 55802 218.722.4134

SocialWorkDVwheelNOSHADING-NCDSV.pdf

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE: A CROSS-CUTTING DOMESTIC VIOLENCE: A CROSS-CUTTING ISSUE FOR SOCIAL WORKERSISSUE FOR SOCIAL WORKERS

Produced and distributed by: Developed by Fran Danis, Ph.D., ACSW, University of Missouri-Columbia. Based on DAIP’s model.

UN IV

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RISK ASSESSM

ENT

CHILD & FAMILY SERVICES: Assess for past and current violence before any family or marital counseling.

CHILD WELFARE: High co-occurrence. Domestic violence often precedes child abuse. Collaborative policies between child welfare and domestic violence programs to keep mother and children safe from abusive partner. SCHOOL SOCIAL WORK:

Impact of exposure to domestic violence on children. Teen dating violence: One in five teenage girls experience physical and sexual violence in dating relationships.

EMPLOYEE ASSISTANCE PROGRAMS: Workplace policies that support abused women, hold batterers accountable, and provide safety for employees from stalking and violence at the workplace.

MEDICAL SOCIAL WORK: Emergency Rooms. Pediatrics. Increased risk for pregnant women and women with disabilities.

GERONTOLOGY/ DISABILITIES: Adult Protective Services. Violence across the lifespan. Abuse by caretaker.

PUBLIC ASSISTANCE: High co-occurrence with poverty. TANF family violence options. Employment and housing discrimination.

SUBSTANCE ABUSE: High risk for women with HIV/AIDS. Impact of past or present violence on both batterers and victims. Associated with violence, not a cause.

INTERVENTION

4612 Shoal Creek Blvd. • Austin, Texas 78756 512.407.9020 (phone and fax) • www.ncdsv.org

Social Work Fields of Practice

MENTAL HEALTH: Impact of past or current abuse on mental health of client. Trauma and PTSD. Increased risk for depression and anxiety.

Using-Children-Wheel.pdf

ph ysic

al VIOLENCE sexual

POWER AND CONTROL WHEELPOWER AND CONTROL WHEEL

POWER AND

CONTROL

INTIMIDATION: Making her afraid by using looks, actions, and gestures. Smashing things. Destroying her property. Abusing pets. Displaying weapons.

MALE PRIVILEGE: Treating her like a servant: making all the big decisions, acting like the “master of the castle,” being the one to define men’s and women’s roles.

ECONOMIC ABUSE: Preventing her from getting or keeping a job. Making her ask for money. Giving her an allowance. Taking her money. Not letting her know about or have access to family income.

USING CHILDREN: Making her feel guilty about the children. Using the children to relay messages. Using visitation to harass her. Threatening to take the children away.

ISOLATION: Controlling what she does, who she sees and talks to, what she reads, and where she goes. Limiting her outside involvement. Using jealousy to justify actions.

EMOTIONAL ABUSE: Putting her down. Making her feel bad about herself. Calling her names. Making her think she’s crazy. Playing mind games. Humiliating her. Making her feel guilty.

Produced and distributed by: 4612 Shoal Creek Blvd. • Austin, Texas 78756512.407.9020 (phone and fax) • www.ncdsv.org

physical VIOLENCE s

exu al

Developed by: Domestic Abuse Intervention Project 202 East Superior Street Duluth, MN 55802 218.722.4134

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